How Long, O Lord, How Long?

My dear sister,

I’m home with my family after a lovely vacation in Virginia and at a beautiful South Carolina beach with my oldest son and his precious family. God gave us our fourth grandchild three months ago and I finally met little (big) Sammy. I’m a baby lover and it was hard to put him down. No other major events are going on in my life to make things look dark or hopeless or depressing. How thankful I am for these “easy” times in my life. To be sure, everything isn’t all rosy. My frail mama lives with us and each new day comes with various challenges, but this is a privilege, not a trial in my book. However, I am aware that you might be in need of encouragement at this very moment. I ask God to give me words of comfort and hope and am reminded of II Corinthians 1:4 where Paul tells us that God comforts us in our afflictions so that we, in turn, are able to comfort others with the same comfort that we have received from God.

In the past I’ve shared with you some of God’s dealings with me in submission. This lesson has had to be taught many times in my life and God continues to train me in His school of sanctifying trials, molding my will to His sovereign desires for me.

This leads me to reflect upon a dark time in my life when my heart was heavy, when my desires and petitions–even beggings, seemed to hit that well-known stone wall. Don’t we all know that feeling? We cry with David, “How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily?”  And the answer does not come.

Many of us know about infertility, miscarriages, and even sadder things. My sorrow was infertility, doctor visits too numerous to mention,  hormone treatments…yielding nothing except four babies we never had the chance to meet. People tried to be helpful. Some were unintentionally cruel with thoughtless words. One year…Two years…Three years…..Six years…

All around me were women getting pregnant, wanting to be, not wanting to be. Joyful women. Complaining, grumbling women. Angry women.

“Why me? Why me?”, cried the faithless, ungrateful, thinking of myself more highly than I ought to think part of me. Like Rachel to Jacob, her husband, I felt like crying out to God, ‘Give me children or I die.’ I remember my dear husband gently taking me by the shoulders, looking me confidently and empathetically in my eyes and reminding me of God’s Sovereignty and His always goodness whether we had babies or not. God is in charge of the womb, he said. And God is good.

My sister, we all do know God is sovereign over all the events of our lives–not simply our joys, but over our losses, our sorrows, our pain, our desires, our suffering. In fact, James tells us to “count it all joy” when (not if) these trials enter our lives, for there is purpose in it, purpose for our good and for God’s glory…”knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect (spiritually mature) and complete, lacking nothing.”

These principles came alive during this stage in my life. II Corinthians 10:5 leapt off the pages of my Bible and into my faulty and anguished thinking. “Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”  My mind had been running to and fro with yearnings and envy and grumbling and disappointment. God brought me to my senses rather abruptly with His convicting Word. My mind, my thoughts needed to be harnessed, made captive, to true thoughts concerning God’s character, His love, His principles. He wanted my will to be brought under the authority of His will in all matters in that ‘glad surrender’ Elizabeth Elliot wrote about.

It was clear–again. Why am I so slow to learn, to remember His faithfulness, His trustworthiness?  Desire His desires above all else. It was not about me at all in the grand scheme. Whether He gave me a baby or not no longer mattered as much, reminiscent of my struggles with this very principle before marriage. My thoughts became focused on Christ and His desires for me to trust that He does all things well, no matter what that may be, whether or not I understand or like it.

And so I prayed, once again, from the depths of my soul, nothing held back,  “Oh God, may I desire you above all else. May I desire your glory to shine forth in my life with or without babies.” And, with an emotional shudder, I added, as sincerely as I could muster, “Please, my God, do not ever give me a child unless he would grow up to love you supremely.”

God indeed gives us perfect peace when our minds are stayed on Him, when we desire His will above our own. David tells us to “Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Many use this as a proof-text for  their theology of “God will give me want I want.” No, the Psalmist is telling us that if we truly delight ourselves in the Lord, He will plant His desires in our hearts.  We will want what He wants. Gone is the frustration and bargaining and dissatisfaction.  God’s will becomes more attractive to the soul than our own earthly demands with their imperfect motives.

God’s difficult mercy led to His gentle mercy. Jonathan Daniel, 31, walks with Christ and loves Him sincerely, telling and living the gospel before his own sons and daughter and a watching world.

Gladly surrendering, again,
Cherry