My dear sister,
I won’t forget our weekend together, how we laughed and shopped and ate lots of chocolate. The light-hearted conversation was certainly enjoyable, but what sticks in my mind is the conversation about the troubles we’ve both been having in our marriages. You struck a nerve when you said, “I have a great husband, wonderful kids, all I could ask for and more, but something is missing.’ Well, I wanted to write to you as soon as I could, because I think I may have just found out what that ‘something’ is!
I have been meditating on John 17 this week, and can’t believe that these ideas haven’t been obvious to me before. I’ve also been reading an amazing book, The Mystery of Marriage, by Mike Mason, and was riveted by his discussion on ‘Oneness’. Of course I’ve heard these ideas before, vaguely, but they certainly haven’t been a reality in my marriage up to this point…only in a very small way, enough to give me a hunger for that ‘something more’ that you are longing for too! I read this quote today, and it all started clicking in my mind:
Marriage is a living demonstration of the extravagant intimacy into which God wishes to draw all people, with the intent, as Jesus prays to His Father, “that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me” (John 17:22–23) –Mike Mason
This morning, as the piano music lilted through the air and my cranberry-mandarin candle flickered, I drank in the reality that I am already one with Christ, that He prayed this prayer for me, and that meditating on this truth will change not only my walk with Him, but also my marriage. It will change every relationship! I thought too, of all the ways that my heart resists this union with Jesus, and with my love. I reflected on all the times I avoid the nudges of the Spirit in my life, invitations to walk closer to Him, give up sin, and walk in love. I reflected on the ways I have chosen to prefer myself, and my needs, above those of my husband. I grieved over the pride that keeps me from considering him better than myself: “Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3 (HCSB)
And somehow, the battle for the health and success of our marriage became remarkably clear. Not only did I now know in my heart the ‘why’ for giving up my desires for his, but I also saw the urgency of doing so. I saw the progression of how this unity between my love and I must happen- first, I must meditate on the wonder of my union with Christ and His deep love for me – and the result will be an overflow of love for my husband and unity with him.
I also felt fear rise up in me. Certainly, perfect love casts out all fear, (1 John 4:18) and this love of Christ can be described as nothing less than perfect. But I fear the vulnerability that comes with giving myself totally to the unconditional love and service of another. What if this newly found resolve is rejected? What if it is not returned? Two quotes gave me courage:
On the need to take the first step:
Indeed such love itself initiates growth by always taking the first step—being first to understand, first to soften the heart, first to forget a wrong, first to shoulder blame. This is the model of Christ, who in order to make peace with the world took our punishment upon Himself. –Mike Mason
On the rejection that may come:
In a difficult marriage this comes as harsh news. Indeed it’s the fact of oneness that makes being in a bad marriage so awful. The only way forward is for each partner to receive God’s unconditional love for himself or for herself, daily, and so to live in the amazing freedom of the children of God, released from all worldly obligations—including the warped demands of an unhealthy marriage.
-Mike Mason
Please do write, sister, and tell me if this resonates with you. I long for us both to know this reality in our marriages. I benefit greatly from your honesty and pure devotion to Christ. May that devotion be matched in our love for our husbands, as we lay down our lives for the sake of the Gospel. “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35 (HCSB)
Your sister,
Ruth