I Thought I knew it All

Dear Sisters,

I got married weeks before turning 31 years old. I was the token single girl that every married church-going person would sadly ask, “now why aren’t you married?” Oh, the pain that caused. I immediately felt like Christ could never satisfy me or make me a complete woman…that I needed a husband to fulfill some Cinderella dream. Just as I thought I was becoming fully contented in my singleness, I met Barrett: A boisterous, fun-loving, outspoken, life-of-the-party, follower of Christ. We hit it off right away when we realized our end goal matched…to glorify Jesus with our entire life. We married a year later and both finished Seminary with degrees in Biblical Counseling (and he with an added degree in theology). We should have the perfect marriage, right?

It has been six years this week since we married. We have had cold nights, fights, tears, and even showed up at another couple’s house with wet faces and little hope. How can two people who waited so long to get married, find someone with the same goal of glorifying Christ, still “fail” at marriage? We know all the answers. Believe me. We have counseled them to others endlessly. We believe in the biblical view of marriage where the man sacrificially leads the woman as Christ leads the church and the woman submits to her loving husband and respects him. We believe that our main problem is ourselves, our selfish desires and need to control our own and each other’s lives. We also believe that we will never be happy until we find our satisfaction in Christ, not each other, for our joy and happiness. Yet we fight.

Sweet sister, I come to you as one who has failed at finding my joy and delight in Christ in my life and marriage. I still clutch strongly to serve myself and have my way (because of course, it’s the best and most logical). I want Barrett to understand me perfectly all the time and then I would gladly submit to him (how do you like that ultimatum?). We both love Christ and I expect him to do his role perfectly because of how much he loves and serves Christ. Can you see and feel that gross sin? I can. My stomach winces as I write. Even though I know that Barrett is not Christ, I expect him to be because of his strong, bold, faith and role. I twist the biblical truth to fit my selfish ways and give me an excuse not to submit and respect him. I still see marriage as a quid quo pro rather than dying to self.

Barrett has shown me my problem. “I know you love me, I just don’t think you delight in me.” Ouch. It’s so true. I don’t delight in him because my delight is not fully in Christ. If I truly delighted in Christ, that ALL my sins have been forgiven, then how could I not delight in the husband that Jesus gave me? How could I not out-serve him because I have been out-served by Christ? But HOW?!?!

Remember the feel of a crush? How you longed to know that person and would study, stare, and talk to them as much as you could? That’s what I need to do with Jesus. Read His Word, pray to Him, sing to Him, hang out with others that know Him, talk about Him whenever I get the chance. The sweeter Jesus becomes to me, the more satisfied I am in marriage. The sweeter He becomes to you sweet sister, married or not, the more satisfied and happy you will be. His promise, not mine. Pray for me on this journey together. May our marriages and lives be happy because of what we have in Christ, not in what we think we are owed from others.